Location: Cologne
Who’s there?: Ally n Tom
When?: 18th-20th June 2024
The build up!
Figure 1: Cologne is THE place to be for the Euros
Ja wohl meine freundes and glublichen schneiblers! The wee man and I are offski to the Euros! Can you believe that? The actual Euros, and for once in 8 gazillion years, Scotland have qualified!
By some amazing act of kindness by the man upstairs in the cloud, I have somehow managed to procure two tickets for our match vs Switzerland in Cologne! A lifetime bucket list goal – to see Scotland in a tourney overseas (No, I’m not counting Euro ’96 in Birmingham, weirdly enough, also against the cuckoo clock boys).
We’ve already watched our first game at home on TV, which was a solid thumping from the hosts. The wee man and I declare we’re never buying a 12 pack of the prophetic ‘lost lager’ again. Shame on Brew Dog!
Nevertheless, despite not being selected for the opening match, Wolfy is still fully pumped and ready for selection.
Figure 2: Wolfy and I ready for the action. C’mon Scotland!
Figure 3: Wolfy ready and available for team selection
Day 1
After a mad scramble for accommodation and flights at truly extortionate prices, Tomster G and I, despite hours of frantic packing, find ourselves bright and very early having breakfast beers at Heathrow, ready for our Cologne adventure. In good old fashion, our take-off is delayed 6 hours, so nothing to do apart from more scoops. It’s a hard life.
Figure 4: Packing was a stressful and lengthy affair
Figure 5: Tomster G & I tanning a few breakfast scoops at the airport
The flight is full of drunken Scotland supporters, as well as Tom and I. It’s lively and turbulent with great banter, camaraderie and flying drinks. Before we know it, we’re in Cologne City Center, one of my all-time fave German citys, having spent many a business trip there with my good friend and boss. To make us feel at home, the tourist board really pulled all the stops out for us Scots, and it’s absolutely bucketing down. We’re a wee bit tired after a very early start, copious Heathrow scoops and a late arrival, so we decide to treat ourselves to a large traditional German dinner. After a rain soaked run to the garage across the road, we feast on a family pack of ready salted, a mars bar and milka chocolate, all washed down with a six pack of Kolsh. Grillicious! Love German cuisine me I do.
Tom has the luxury of sleeping on the floor, whilst I have a small king size bed, with no duvet as I’ve donated it to him. We go to bed/floor with great excitement and anticipation for the day ahead – match day against Switzerland! The rain pours down loudly outside, creating a great home-from-home atmosphere. We burp freely in gratitude to the weather gods for what has been a great start to our trip.
Figure 6: Delicios German all-you-can-eat buffet, courtesy of BP
Day 2: Match Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a super hearty hot buffet breakfast involving hunners of sausages, Tomster G and I head into the centre – only a 20 min riverside stroll from our hotel. The weather again is perfect, grey and miserable. Just the way we like it. We take deep breaths and imagine we could actually be in Glasgow…with the Clyde, iron bridges and the SECC in the background, amidst the swirl of tartan army bagpipes. We wipe tears from our eyes and solider on towards the battle zone. We must do or die!
Figure 7: The marvellous riverside at our hotel. Check that beautiful sky – not a hint of sun.
Being the cultural type, we take time to explore the historical parts of the city, often overlooked by your average travelling football lager lout. We find the much-admired bratwurst statue from the 12th century, which was a symbol of hope for the citizens during hard times, and the recently built Cathedral which dominates the city centre.
Figure 8: Cologne has some fascinating medieval architecture.
Figure 9: The fascinating orangey-brown paving of Cologne, with a derelict building in the background
Unfortunately, the fan zone turns out to be a bit of a damp squid. But, tbf, it is only 6 in the morning. As ambassadors for our proud nation, we grab a pretzel and happily pose for photos with the locals, but fail to avoid German TV cameras.
Figure 10: Tom and I looking a bit stupid holding up a bit of cardboard for German TV
After all that culture, we feel deserving of a cheeky local beer. After seconds of hunting up and down cobbled streets, we stumble dehydrated and exhausted at a suitable looking hostelry. As far as they bleary eye can see, there are Scots men and women, most guzzling beer, plenty playing the pipes and all having a great time. Not a sign of trouble at all. The German locals seem very friendly and happy to join in the revelry. Prost!
Figure 11: Tom and I blending in with the locals in the town square
Figure 12: The wee man getting his first measure of the government’s five a day initiative
Figure 13: Like Farter like son – TG persuades me to have a beer
Not being ones to sit around all day drinking, TG and I go for another wander. This time we see some true German morning festivities involving two pipers at a Café, playing the much loved German tune ‘Oh Flower of Scotland’. It’s great to see so many Germans wearing Kilts and playing bagpipes. I think they’ve really taken to this whole hosting thing.
Figure 14: Germans playing the bagpipes at an outdoor Caffee und Kuchen restaurant
Meanwhile, back at the paving slabs we visited earlier, the place has really filled with Scotland supporters. There’s singing, crying, dancing, drinking and groaning. It’s only 12 hours to kick-off so I guess there’s nothing wrong with a quick pre-match beer.
Figure 15: Hoots mon – we’re everywhere!
Figure 16: Great atmosphere in the town
We decide there’s nothing like a German sausage and haven’t had one for a good hour or so, so we buy some curry wurst mit chips. I put mayo on mine to add that little soupcon of extra quality, which those with a palate as delicate as mine will appreciate.
Figure 17: Sausage and Chips fae Greggs in Cologne
As tension mounts and day moves towards early evening, we get our game heads on. It’s now only four hours to kick-off. So, we head back to the hotel, change into our lucky Scotland shirts and have some toasts. As well as a couple of cold ones, we have some amazingly disgusting poison stuff. This is sooooooo bad we can only manage three of them. An absolute rip-off as well at 3 euros for four! Not being fooled like that again!
Figure 18: These are highly recommended for any one you might wish dead.
The Uber Bahn thing in the centre is rammed and there are tens of thousands of supporters in a queue trying to get on non-existing trains. This looks grim. We make a management decision and decide we’re going to walk to the stadium! It’s only about five hours away from where we are so if we get a move on we’ll do it easily.
Figure 19: Absolutely Rambo-ed queue at the Govan subway station in Cologne
Needless to say, 10,000 other fans had exactly the same idea. Boy, was it rammed on the roads, pavements and cycle lanes. People were moving on all modes of transport, from camels, scooters, motorbikes, broomsticks and jet pacs. Kilts and bollocks flying everywhere, whooshing past at 200 mph.
Figure 20: The Tartan Army foot soldiers en masse ready for battle
Happily, the wee man and I make it in good time. Sausages (we’re starving!) and beers in hand, we find our seats in the splendid Koln stadium. Most fortuitously, I am sitting next to the only other Rangers fan in Germany. A top lad with the same screen saver on his phone as me. We bemoan the line-up for its lack of Rangers players and quietly boo the Celtic ones representing Scotland. The wee man is in with some Hibs boys, who, somewhat surprisingly, are not as nasty as they’re made out to be. I guess they were happy to be out of Auld Reekie and experience flushing toilets. He’s a very sensible and mature young man. I proudly watch him check under his seat for syringes – one can never be too careful.
Figure 21: The magnificent Koln stadium; what a view we have
Figure 22: Tom & I posing for the German paparazzi ahead of kick-off
Figure 23: Rare picture of two of only three Rangers fans in the tartan army
The national anthem, as always, clutches at the heart strings. Grown men weeping and not just at the line up. The noise is deafening, the tension palpable, as a nation of proud, passionate and loud Scotland fans sing their Wee Jimmy hearts out…Such a shame the team is mince.
024: The fans are in full voice. Shame about the camera man!
The game itself isn’t exactly epic, although we get off to the most amazing start with a fine goal from- who else, but the wondrous Scot McTominay.
Figure 25: Swiss fans are rooted to their seats whilst Scotland are horsing them 1-0
Switzerland equalizes shortly afterwards and the rest of the game plays out as a very respectable 1-1 draw. After the previous thumping from Germany, Tom and I are more than happy with the result. Can’t help but think if Wolfy had been selected we’d have sneaked the win.
We happily walk the long walk back to our hotel and admire the stadium all lit up from the outside in the dark sky. It’s certainly no Ibrox, but I’d like to go back some day.
Figure 26: The very decent Cologne Stadium
The end bit
It hits 1am by the time we’re in our room, both falling on our scratchers and conking out immediately, dreaming that if we can only beat Hungary on Sunday…we’ll probs win the tourney!
We’ve had the most amazing time ever as part of the Tartan Army. Germany were brilliant hosts and we did not see one bit of trouble, even from the Hibs fans.
Super highly recommended trip if you’re a footy lover and are partial to your national team. Cologne is a brilliant city, similar to Glasgow in many ways. We both certainly want to go on more tartan army adventures…so watch this space!
Sources
1: https://euro2024-teamcatalogue.uefa.com/host_city/cologne/
2-26: Ally Grant photos & vids June 2024