Date of Release: 1970s
MGM
Well, I’m going to be up front about this lot straight away. This is way beyond the limits of the gashometer. ‘Pants’; ‘Schectobar’ and ‘Gashness of the very highest order’ are terms not descriptive enough of this sheer utter crappyness. No’ ma cuppa tea in the slightest. I’d rather dehydrate in the Sahara than sip from this vessel. Holy moly, it’s playing right now and I’m getting very irritated by Hanks Macshanks voice and his annoying twiddle guitar bits. Something has seriously gone wrong.
It’s truly painful. ‘I’m nutty as a fruitcake when you’re not in my arms’. Maan this is rough. ‘I’m itchier than a leper when you’re in my ears’, might be more appropriate. ‘Me oh my-oh, we’ll have some fun, son of a gun, on the bayou, give me some jambalaya on the bayou.’ WTF is that about? Jambalaya is a Jamaican rice dish, isn’t it? With a sound reputation to boot. These records have not. I’m clearly missing something.
This tasty Jambalaya dish is the antithesis of Hank’s greatest shits. I mean hits. Err, ahem.2
Maybe these disastrous culinary skills resulted in the next tragic track, ‘Wedding bells’, and explains his failed attempt to get married. Lucky escape for that damsel, who really would have been in distress. Attempts to raise some positivity and a return to cuisine fail drastically as he whines, ‘hey good looking, what you got cooking?”. If I was the woman I’d say ‘nothing for you, ya greedy git, Hank! Get oot ma hoose! And yer jambalaya is bogging, by the way!’
I can’t believe these are ‘greatest hits’. His discography must be truly appalling. I look at the covers again to check it does actually say ‘greatest’ instead of ‘worst’, which would make much more sense.
Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of country music – who doesn’t? Jim Reeves, Kenny Rogers, and Charlie Pride all hold their own. Perfect if you want to feel sorrowful, or think about how lucky you are not to have been a gambler, had crystal chandeliers or were stoking coal on the ol’ number 9. Dwarfed of course, by the mighty original punk rocker, Johnny Cash, who really did have something – beyond a cocaine and whisky habit. He had a voice, outstanding ability, and a criminal record. What a man! That’s a proper artist. Hank is, hmm, well, awful. Worryingly, I don’t see this growing on me at all. Having listened to Vols 1 and 2 means I’ve heard about 30 of his songs now, and the off-the-charts gash rating stands. Sorry, Hank!
Proper country3 music4
Why, oh why, oh why did I get into this? Hmmm. I think it was down to the inspirational Bobby Gillespie referring to Hank in his ‘Tenement kid’ book, which is excellent BTW. Can’t recall, but I think Hank was some sort of influence on him, through his maw and da’ playing Hank when he was wee. Nae wonder he had to leave Glasgow, unless he was referring to another Hank. Hmm, maybe Hank Marvin. Times were hard back then in Glasgow, and lots of people were Hank Marvin, which is not Barry. If ye know whit ah mean, ken?
Dodgy paragraph linking Hank Marvin5 with Bobby Gillespie6 & Barry White7
This newfound appreciation of Hank Williams started during a recent venture to the best record store in the world, Vinylstore Jr. I picked up a double Sonic youth LP, ‘Dirty’ – noisy, nasty, arty, non-wave brilliance. Bidding farewell to the proprietor, Nick, and with the door half open. I heard the fateful call, ‘looking for anything else, Ally?’. ‘Nah. Thanks mate.’ I pull the door a bit further open, fresh air rushing over me.
‘You sure? Got some new Garbage, Echo and the Bunnymen, Slowdive, Shame, Cloud Nothings and Dinosaur Jr.’
‘Err’, I hesitate.
Big mistake. In an instant he’s closed the door.
‘Just take a butchers and see if you like anything. Take your time.’
I look at my phone, to check when my bus is. Oh noooo, it’s opened on my ‘vinyl wants’ list.
‘Oh, you got a list?’, asked Nick.
‘Ha’, I nod.
I’m defeated.
Fatefully, Hank Williams is somehow at the top of my list, and spotted immediately.
‘Ah’, I said. ‘Yes, you got any?’ Stupid question, they have everything by everyone.
‘Yes, of course. Got quite a few Hank Williams.’
I wonder why.
Picking up a 2nd hand copy of ‘Greatest hits vol 1’, he says, ‘there you go.’
‘Ok’, I say. ‘Thanks’, a bit unsure of it as it does look like a gash cover, even if it’s only £7.50.
‘Oh, you’re in luck’ he says. ‘We have volume 2 too – at the same price as well.
Errrr, not sure about that.
Seeing my hesitation, he presents me with the offer of a lifetime. ‘Tell you what. I’ll do you both for the price of one.’
Hmmm that sounds reasonable, buy one get one free (BOGOF).
‘Is it any good?’ I ask.
‘Not really sure, to be honest. Lots of people like Hank Williams, Ally.’
‘Hmm I suppose they do’, I say. ‘I’ll take them, thanks.’
Got a bargain there me-thinks!
Life is full of regrets.
Never be kidded by BOGOF (Govt going to axe this)8 or anyone loudly selling fruit or Hank Williams records9
But on the positive, thank the Lord this was only second hand, thereby rendering itself a more modest investment, especially at two for the price of one. Apples and pears, my son.
As I’m playing this, I wonder if my freshly adopted achilles tendonitis is more painful than Hank, although both could render me legless. At least ice helps with my heel. Maybe I’ll grab a beer and give Hank another go. I regret it immediately.
I’ll order myself ‘TANGK’ by Idles as a well-deserved treat. That’ll cheer me up and, in the meantime, I can blast some Sonic Youth to purge my damaged ears and bruised psyche.
Today’s lesson of the day….always check out an artist on Spotify before investing in vinyl, pop kids. God bless punk-rock music and thrash metal!!!!
In summary, the gashometer never lies, and Hank comfortably gets my highest rating so far. Congratulations Mr Williams, you have reached the upper echelons of gashness, earning a monstrous 10/10 rating! I might consider increasing the scale to 11.
Sources
- Ally Grant camera breaking photo, 29th April 2024.
- Jambalaya picture: Sip & Feast, James, 6th February 2024 https://www.sipandfeast.com/jambalaya/
- Scottish countryside, Conde Nast Traveller, Mike Maceacheran, 5th September 2023 https://www.cntraveller.com/article/best-places-scotland
- Bagpipes: BBC one image, https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00dp4m5
- Hank Marvin photo, Discogs: https://www.discogs.com/artist/82605-Hank-Marvin
- Bobby Gillespie photo, https://www.hayfestival.com/p-18280-bobby-gillespie-talks-to-dylan-jones.aspx
- Barry White: Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barry_White
- BOGOF, Dominic Penna, The Telegraph, 12th June 2023 https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/06/12/bogof-deals-face-axe/
- Market trader, Callum Adams, The Telegraph, 15th April 2018 https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/15/market-trader-banned-yelling-wares-shouts-loud-chainsaw/
FOOTNOTE: Please remember the intention of Jockose is to have a bit of fun not to cause offence! Do not take any reviews seriously or be offended in any way about content, including comments or images. All views are from the author’s thoughts at the time, which can and do change according to wind direction and number of beers imbibed at the time of writing.