Brewery: Heineken N.V.
Beer: Heineken Lager Beer
ABV: 5.0%
Bog-standard beer for a bog-standard glass. This bev is a fridge staple, up there with a 9 pack of Sainsbury’s sausage rolls and extra mature cheddar cheese, 2 for price of 1 offer.
Aside from proper Heineken, served in proper Heineken glasses in a proper Heineken place like Amsterdam, I have established, following many, many, years of diligent unfunded research, that the typical pub pint glass and 440ml can are the ultimate combo. Not for me are the bottles, whether they are the miserly 330 ml or the monstrous litre ones, or worse, poured as draft from your local boozer, or even more worserer than that – any ‘Spoons. It’s gotta be from the can – cold and well poured with a decent head, in a proper handle-free pint glass.
Wolfy salivates in anticipation of a can of Heiney. Nae luck Wolfy, you’re no’ getting any!1
Needless to say, I’ve poured this one badly, with a bit of a monstrous head. Wolfy looks away in embarrassment. She’s also pretending she doesn’t want any when I know she thinks does. But, as I say, she’s no’ getting any. For those of you wondering, Wolfy does not actually drink beer and has never really shown any desire to do so – she’s more into the accompanying munchies. She did once have an official novelty doggy beer (at 0% alcohol) and loved that, but that’s about it! She just loves posing for photos, especially if there’s a treat or two to be had.
Admiration of my beer pouring skills is pervasive in the animal kingdom2
Actually, don’t mind a bit of Heiny head, it’s OK, and the pale yellowness of the body makes it aesthetically pretty decent. Right, best get scooping. Four dirty big gulps go down well, without even a hint of a burp, unfortunately. I remember once somewhere in the Dam that portions were smaller, a few such gulps would require an immediate refill, making leaving the bar tricky. Deffo not the quantity I’m used to in Glasgow.
Me drinking (LHS) a pint in Amsterdam3 & (RHS) a cheeky half pint in Glasgow4
I am also old enough to remember when UK-served Heineken was a paltry 3.5%, requiring copious amounts to compete with Stella. Indeed, Stella was a stellar 5.2%, so Heineken had to raise its game, which to be fair it did, reaching a 5% level worldwide. Just to be different, Stella dropped below 5% to 4.8% (soft or wot?), despite still being affectionately referred to as ‘wife beater’. Heineken is simply referred to as Heineken.
If you are in the Dam, please dooooo go to the Heineken brewery. As a stoodent inter-railing 70 years ago with Jack and Ewan, we did the tour, reluctantly having paid the 70p entrance fee (which went to charity), then imbibed 6 pints in 1 hr. We were fully catered for with fresh crisps and cubes of Edam cheese, served by the very smartly dressed, mildly psychotic looking and muscular staff. They didn’t even mind us nicking a glass each when they thought we weren’t looking. Euan thought it was a rip off and asked for a student discount. Happy daze.
The Heineken brewery is a great place to stay, with interesting architecture5; The Jockoses get lagered as part of their cultural tour of Amsterdam6
Scarily, at night we sat at a bar around Dam Square, and ordered our Heinies. I had barely taken a gulp of mine when this 8 ft tall skinhead picked mine up and downed it in one.
Pausing for a second, weighing up whether I’d rather live or die, I decided I’d rather end up in hospital than try not to save my beloved beer. So, looking scary skinhead assassin directly in his crossed eyes, I said in a voice stronger than it should’ve been, ‘that’s ma Heineken’.
The psycho stared at me, blood pressure rising, neck veins a thumping.
I held my ground. ‘Where you from?’ he spat at me.
‘Scotland’, I said, regretting starting this convo.
‘Ha ha ha ha’, he laughed. ‘I thought you were English. Scotland good ha ha ha ha. I’ll get you another.’
There are some very shady characters in Amsterdam and surrounding areas. Be careful!7, 8
Getting back to the subject in hand, my can is tanned, having gone down easily as a nice session lager. I’ve had Heineken in many countries, many houses, many events, parks and pavements ….but the best one ever was with my wee youngster Tomster G after our Ajax stadium tour. He’s 18 years old tomorrow. Happy birthday wee man, and here’s to many more Heineken’s together!
Dodgy geezers at Ajax9 & common lager louts10
Overall, like your favourite pants, Heineken is an old trusty n crusty refreshing friend that you can always rely on. A mighty 1/10 on the gashometer. And, as they say in certain parts of Holland, ‘Cheers!’
Sources
1-2. Ally Grant photos, April 2024.
3. Small beer https://www.thelittleepicurean.com/licor-43-mini-beer/
4. Big beer https://images.app.goo.gl/FyTHXA9VPZNQ46MAA
5-10. Ally Grant photos, July 2022.