THE GASHOMETER

Please proudly introduce ‘The Gashometer’ to me!

Ok then, let me proudly introduce ‘The Gashometer’ to you! This is a non-patented, non-trademarked global innovation based on a ratings scale of 0-10. Possibly extending beyond that to accommodate artists, and things in general, deserving a higher gash rating, such as Hank William’s Greatest Hits Vol 1 & 2, and my air-fried Chinese chicken recipe.

How do I even say ‘Gashometer’?

It’s said as gash-oh-meh-ter and not gash-oh-meeter.

What does ‘gash’ mean, I hear you cry?

Let me educate you, it’s a Scottish, mostly Glaswegian, term to describe something that’s not very good. Please be clear, it has nothing to do with a knee injury or body part.

Synonyms include ‘mince’, ‘schectobar’, ‘pants’, ‘pants of the very highest order’, ‘brutal’ and ‘shengis’. To the uneducated, it means poor or rubbish.

Please give me an example of how to use ‘gash’ in a sentence.

 ‘Celtic are gash at football’. ¹

‘The weather in Kent is really gash.’

‘Oh, I’m not going in that gash shop. I’ll wait outside, as it’s gash.’

‘Bad news. My bike has a flat tyre, which is really gash.’

‘Can’t believe I got a gash mark for English Literature’.

‘I am never going to Vienna again as it is gash.’

‘That goulash is gash.’

‘The dug is gash at sitting’.

Eeeezy, innit! Before you know it, you’ll be using ‘gash’ in every sentence.

How does ‘The Gashometer’ work?

If something is really gash it will get a high gash rating; conversely if something is excellent, such as the Dreamtime album by the Cult, or a pint of Beavertown Neck oil, it will score a zero, indicating extreme supremeness, and absolutely no sign of gashness whatsoever.

What does ‘The Gashometer’ look like?

Simply put, the gashbar is the ultimate ranking system, disposing of traditional yawn-fest ‘marks out of ten’ ratings. By focussing on gashness, one can quickly reference how rubbish something is by scanning the multi-colour gashbar (you can even rock the gashbar), finding the yellow star, and reading the comment under the rating arrow. For the less gifted reader, a gashness rating is given in both numbers and words.